take it or leave it.

We all have someone... one person... that sort of takes our breath away just by thinking about them or makes us nervous when they're in our presence. You fiddle with your hands, try to keep it together, and fumble your words as you converse.

He always has that ability to make me feel a little inappropriate. Like I'm being judged. Like I'm lacking something. Intellect, or accomplishments... I almost feel inferior when we're together. It's silly because I consider myself pretty bright and only really enjoy stimulating conversations anyway. So there's no reason why talking about his shoes or the restaurant he went to the night before would make me feel awkward. Maybe it's the 10 year difference between us that intimidated me? I'm almost not myself when I'm with him. I'm known to be vulgar and blunt and witty, yet with him I take a step back and become gentler around the edges. Every time he's in town, we look forward to seeing each other... sharing in our stories and happenstances, and embracing like time hasn't passed.

But this time around it was different. Maybe it's maturity or the obstacles I've endured the past couple of years since he and I had last seen each other, but I no longer felt that insecurity with him. I lifted the veil and was completely myself with him... for the very first time. We enjoyed each other's company as we always had, only this time along with feeling far more relaxed as we embraced, I saw our friendship for what it truly is and am relieved by that. I adore him, he's part of my history. I can't delete it nor would I want to. He helped shape my heart into its current mold. But a small part of me was holding onto an idea, a feeling, that no longer existed. Somewhere in between soft kisses and joking about the Jersey Shore kids, I learned this. I then also realized I had spent so much time in my youth trying to impress him that he never had gotten a chance to get to know who I really am. And that made me feel a little sad. I had prevented him from getting to know a pretty awesome chick because I had just been too concerned about his perception of me.

So to those of you whom have ever changed the way you are (even subconsciously) for fear of not impressing a particular individual, DON'T DO IT! You should love yourself, every inch of yourself, from head to toe. You are the most perfect version of you, flawed and all. And if that particular person just doesn't get it, they're not meant to be a part of your life anyway. Period.

So whether he likes it or not, he's getting all of Ailyn from now on. Hope that motherfucker can handle it.